Daily Life

DAY 14: Contemplating Marriage Over Beyonce (30-Day Personal Blog Challenge)

Marriage

When Miss 4.5 is at school and it’s just me and Miss 21mo, I enjoy letting her potter around exploring her environment at her own pace. When her older sister is around, things get a little crazier so it’s nice to have these moments where I’m not rushing her or chasing after one of them or yelling at someone.

Flowers

Today in our apartment courtyard, she picked flowers, pulled out the petals and brushed them around with a stalk, pulled apart and stomped on dry leaves, chased shadows, rode on her tricycle, tried to climb into the fountain etc. It was simple and peaceful.

While she napped, I watched some videos online and somehow got to watching Beyonce videos. I admit I had not really watched the videos from her Lemonade album before this and I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to do so. It was seriously a spiritual experience. The words. The emotions. The pain. Just perfection. It was just a real glimpse into a real marriage. I found it all so incredibly deep and profound. But most of all, so relatable.

When you’re with someone for so long, things often fall apart at some point. You grow older, you change, and people drift apart. Hurt happens…self-blaming, self-doubt and self-questioning. Even if you’re Beyonce, you are not immune to being hurt and betrayed. To pouring over what you did or didn’t do, wondering if it would’ve made any difference. Then at some point when you reach rock bottom, you just have to make that decision to either pick yourself up and rebuild your relationship or move on.

I think it’s such a beautiful thing that Beyonce has been able to open herself up and let the world into her heart and mind. I can’t get over how much vulnerability and rawness there is in her album. Sometimes we women think “if only I was more beautiful/richer/talented, maybe I could get a man” or “maybe he would’ve stayed”…but the reality is most of the time it has nothing to do with us at all. Yes we know that by logic, but sometimes the heart and emotions betray us. But seeing/listening to Beyonce’s visual album really gives you a sense of empowerment and drives home that point. YOU ARE ENOUGH. And if a man can’t see that, that’s his problem, not yours.

I have been with my husband since I was 19. We are definitely not the same people we were when we first got together. We have both changed. Our dreams and aspirations now as adults are not what they used to be as teenagers. We’ve had to rediscover who we ourselves were as people, then relearn who each other were. We’ve had to tear the foundations of our relationship down to be able to rebuild a better relationship from scratch. We’ve had to learn to let go of the person we fell in love with as teenagers, and fall in love with each other all over again as adults with children. It’s not been easy but I appreciate that we’re always honest with each other. Sometimes honesty can be be ugly, but I’d rather have an honest relationship than one that looks perfect on the outside but is secretly filled with deceit on the inside.

I think my husband and I have a much better relationship now than we did a decade ago. The kids aren’t easy on us that’s for sure, but we are so much more in sync and have much better communication than we had back then. To be honest, I function like a guy and I used to have a problem with shutting off and wanting to go into my cave when I get upset. Now I feel I have overcome that and am so much better at opening up. I can only keep trying to be better everyday, hope my husband holds up his end of the bargain, and pray for a little mercy from God. I know we are committed to each and being good parents to our kids, and that’s all I can ask for!

And I should also add to this post that today I managed to bathe and get both kids in bed without a single scream from either of them.  I don’t know how it happened! It’s a miracle!

The 30-Day Personal Blog Challenge is a challenge to myself to consistently blog about my daily life for 30 days.

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